DOMESTIC VIOLENCE... Discussions - THE STREETS DON'T LOVE YOU BACK2024-03-29T15:14:39Zhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/group/domesticviolencevictimsurvivors/forum?feed=yes&xn_auth=noAccused of Murdering Husband, Teacher Cites Years of Abusetag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2012-02-07:3378072:Topic:534232012-02-07T04:22:23.526ZThe Streets Don't Love You Backhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/TheStreetsDontLoveYouBack
<div class="xg_user_generated"><h1 class="headline">Accused of Murdering Husband, Teacher Cites Years of Abuse</h1>
<div class="storyTextMd storyTextColor" id="storyText"><div class="media_empty"></div>
<div class="show_tools g_5"><div id="show_association_gma"></div>
<div class="share_left" id="share-left"><div class="share-container"><div class="share-group share-group-0"><div class="share-btn share-btn-0 share-btn-last"><a id="decrease" name="decrease" title="decrease"></a>-…</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="xg_user_generated"><h1 class="headline">Accused of Murdering Husband, Teacher Cites Years of Abuse</h1>
<div id="storyText" class="storyTextMd storyTextColor"><div class="media_empty"></div>
<div class="show_tools g_5"><div id="show_association_gma"></div>
<div id="share-left" class="share_left"><div class="share-container"><div class="share-group share-group-0"><div class="share-btn share-btn-0 share-btn-last"><a id="decrease" title="decrease" name="decrease"></a>- <span class="divide">/</span> <a id="increase" title="increase" name="increase"></a>+</div>
</div>
<div class="clearboth"></div>
<div class="clearboth"></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<br/>
<div class="byline_date"><div style="width: 485px;" class="byline_date_inner"><div class="date">PONTIAC, Mich., Dec. 7, 2004 --</div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="partner_logo"></div>
<p></p>
<div style="display: block; top: 30px; left: 430px;" id="sponsoredByAd"></div>
<p>A former elementary school teacher on trial for murder testified today that she tried to leave her husband after years of abuse but hacked him to death with a hatchet during one last violent encounter because "I had to stop him."</p>
<p>Nancy Seaman, 52, is charged with first-degree, premeditated murder. Prosecutors say that on May 9, after a fight with her husband, she went to a store, bought a hatchet, then went home and savagely killed Robert Seaman, 57, by hitting him 15 times with the hatchet and stabbing him 21 times with a knife.</p>
<p>Seaman, who taught fourth grade at Longacre Elementary School, allegedly wrapped her husband's body in a tarp and put it in her sport utility vehicle, where police found it May 12 at the couple's home in Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb.</p>
<p>Seaman maintains she acted in self-defense. She testified today that the morning after Mother's Day, she and her husband got into what she termed "the grand finale of all fights." She said her husband became angry when he found out she had bought a condo and was planning on leaving him..</p>
<p>"He's angry because he said he wasted his life with me," Seaman explained. "He said, 'Why can't you just die? I don't love you anymore.' He kicked me. He kicked me in the leg."</p>
<p></p>
<h4>'There Was Blood Everywhere'</h4>
<p>She then demonstrated to the court how she lay in the garage trying to protect herself, with her hands covering her face. She said her husband would not let go of her leg, so she picked up the hatchet and hit him.</p>
<div id="quigo_ad" class="rel_container g_4"><div style="background: #f2f2f2;"></div>
</div>
<p>"I kept swinging it and I kept swinging it and I kept swinging it ... I was terrified," she told the court. "I was absolutely terrified. All I knew was that I had to stop him."</p>
<p>Seaman said it was then that she used the kitchen knife to stab her husband, but she doesn't remember doing it.</p>
<p>With her husband's lifeless body in the garage, Seaman left for work at Longacre Elementary, but came back during lunch.</p>
<p>"There was blood everywhere," Seaman told the court, breaking down. "I kept saying, 'Bob, why did you do this to me? Why did you do this to me? Why?' For 30 years, 30 years! And I was going to be safe in just a couple weeks. A couple weeks! It was just a couple weeks longer."</p>
<p>Seaman said she went out to buy cleaning supplies and bleach so that she could clean up the scene before her son could see what happened in the garage. She added that prior to her arrest she was planning to turn herself in, but she wanted to do it on her own terms.</p>
<p></p>
<h4>A Tumultuous Marriage</h4>
<p>On Monday, Seaman told the jury that for the first 21 years of her marriage, her husband abused her sporadically. She recalled one incident after another when she claims her husband got out of hand, but she admitted she didn't confide in anyone about what she said she was suffering.</p>
<p>"I was ashamed. I'd only been married a few months," she said. "My God, that's supposed to be the best part of your marriage, is the early part."</p>
<p>She told the jury her husband was a man with two sides, a man she says she was getting ready to leave for good.</p>
<p>"He had like two personalities. He was very charming. He was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," she testified. "He was very charming, and that's the Bob I fell in love with. But there was this other side, and it was always true that he had a short fuse and a bad temper."</p>
<p>Talking about the days following her arrest, she said: "I wish he would have killed me."</p>
<p>Seaman described a pattern of physical abuse</p>
</div>
</div> PRACTICE THE ART OF DETACHMENTtag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135742010-10-06T13:08:08.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p><font size="3">Before this freeing art can be practiced, there must be a letting go. Letting go does not mean you forget the person, place, or situation. Instead, it requires you to take an honest look at what you are holding on to.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">We are usually surprised to realize that the only things we are holding on to are pain and disappointment …Letting go is simply releasing whatever it may be that is not healthy for you. Try to remember the last time you thought about…</font></p>
<p><font size="3">Before this freeing art can be practiced, there must be a letting go. Letting go does not mean you forget the person, place, or situation. Instead, it requires you to take an honest look at what you are holding on to.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">We are usually surprised to realize that the only things we are holding on to are pain and disappointment …Letting go is simply releasing whatever it may be that is not healthy for you. Try to remember the last time you thought about the situation without feelings of loss. Is holding this memory in the present worth all the sadness it causes you?</font></p>
<p><font size="3">As hard as this is to hear … Sometimes we get caught up in staying attached to negative situations because we are afraid if we don’t, nothing will be there to replace it. We feel this was our one chance for happiness, and it is hard to believe that things did not work out. We are afraid that if we let go, we will be alone forever. Think about it — we are already alone! Our mind loves nothing more than to take us off on tangents of non-acceptance — it keeps us locked in the cycle of endless heartache. Sometimes we hold on to the past because we feel if the same thing happens again, we will not be able to bear it. We unconsciously decide that it is easier to hold the pain we already know than to risk having to go through it again.</font></p>
<p><span id="more-60"></span></p>
<p><font size="3">Acceptance is one of the hardest things to do for some reason, but it is also the most freeing! As we grow and learn to let go more freely, we find it easier to live the spiritual art of detachment, but at first we may flip back and forth. It may be necessary to self-check to see where we are coming from — head or heart. The true art of detachment is loving and giving with no expectations of receiving anything in return. It is accepting that the one you love may be happier with someone else.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">As soon as we accept what has happened and release our hold on our pain, the magic of letting go shows itself as it frees up energy. One of two things can happen now — either the situation may be mysteriously worked out, or something even better may appear in front of us.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">In total detachment, love, and light,</font></p> NIGHTMARES OF EX'S PASTtag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135722010-10-06T13:04:12.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p><font size="3">Ever have a nightmare</font> <font size="3">about an ex? We all have…but I’ve been noticing lately that a few of my friends still have nightmares about someone they haven’t been involved with in a while. They always feel that this phase should be over. Whether it’s been a couple of months or a couple of years, depending on the nature of your relationship and breakup</font><font size="3">, it’s possible to have nightmares years after — even when you’re happily moved on with…</font></p>
<p><font size="3">Ever have a nightmare</font> <font size="3">about an ex? We all have…but I’ve been noticing lately that a few of my friends still have nightmares about someone they haven’t been involved with in a while. They always feel that this phase should be over. Whether it’s been a couple of months or a couple of years, depending on the nature of your relationship and breakup</font><font size="3">, it’s possible to have nightmares years after — even when you’re happily moved on with someone else. Many of us still have childhood dreams, whether pleasant or not, so it’s not crazy to imagine that an adult relationship with someone could haunt your nights. In talking to my friends and dealing with this myself, I’ve realized a few things.</font></p>
<p><span id="more-230"></span></p>
<p><font size="3">If you’re dreaming about an ex, it doesn’t mean you still want them or miss the relationship. If anything, it means you were greatly impacted in this relationship or breakup and you are still processing some of the damage.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">It’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re getting over it too slowly or that there is something wrong with you. I know when the initial breakup happens, many of us have a hard time just functioning in our day-to-day lives. When the pain of a breakup hits, it can knock you down for a little bit…but that’s okay. Because soon enough, you will bounce back and resume your life. So sometimes having those nightmares is just your mind and body’s way or processing and healing when you have time. When you do have these nightmares, talk it out with a friend or psychic dream analyst. Just analyzing the dream may help you realize what is eating at you and how to move on from it. And let’s face it, learning what went wrong is how we figure out how to go in a different direction next time.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">What many of us don’t expect is to find ourselves in love with someone new and still having nightmares about an ex. Don’t let it scare you, think of it as healing. Remind yourself, “It was a nightmare and you are now okay”, whether alone or in a new relationship. Sometimes, we just don’t have enough time in our days to get all the work done so instead of being scared by another nightmare, thank your body for helping you purge the bad energy.</font></p> 7 MATURE ARGUMENT STRATAGIES...tag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135702010-10-06T12:56:18.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
Arguments in relationships get a pretty bad rap. There are a lot of articles on the Web based on avoiding arguments. The truth is conflict is a natural form of creating boundaries and learning about each other. It is not the arguing/debating itself that can be hurtful to a relationship, but rather the poor techniques involved with its execution. Here are seven simple strategies to ensure your occasional debate with your partner is handled with finesse, sensitivity, and above all --…
Arguments in relationships get a pretty bad rap. There are a lot of articles on the Web based on avoiding arguments. The truth is conflict is a natural form of creating boundaries and learning about each other. It is not the arguing/debating itself that can be hurtful to a relationship, but rather the poor techniques involved with its execution. Here are seven simple strategies to ensure your occasional debate with your partner is handled with finesse, sensitivity, and above all -- maturity.<br/><br/><strong>Start and Finish Disputes on a Positive Note</strong><br/>One of the biggest reasons arguments end badly is because they start poorly as well. Choose an appropriate time when you and your partner are rested and connected. By connected, I am referring to being in sync with each other, as in after food shopping, gardening, or taking a walk together ("together," being the qualifying word). Open the conversation with how much you appreciate the good things about the relationship, before discussing anything that might be construed as bad. When you're finished, thank your partner for their time and attention, and remind them that you love them.<br/><br/><strong>Use "I", Not "You"</strong><br/>Nobody likes the blame game, and arguments should never be based on what the other partner is doing, but rather how the effected partner is feeling. The worst statements are generalizations, or absolutes like, "You always stay at work late," or "you never help around the house anymore." Instead, validate your reason for the discussion with personal observations such as, "I feel like you don't want to spend time with me," or "I would appreciate a little more help with chores."<br/><br/><strong>Listen!</strong><br/>This is one of the more obvious strategies, but you would be surprised at the number of arguments that take place, where nobody is really listening to each other. Instead, partners are too busy rolling their eyes, interrupting, or rehearsing what they're going to say next. Until you really "get" what it is your partner is saying, you will not reach an acceptable resolution. What's more, when your partner senses you aren't listening, it puts them on the defense. One of the best ways to show a partner you're attentive to the problem is to look them in the eye.<br/><br/><strong>Respect</strong><br/>Respect is one of the fundamental necessities of working through conflict. It allows both sides equal say on the matter. It reduces the occurrence of stonewalling (refusal to talk or listen). It finds an appropriate time and place to talk (don't start arguments in public or in front of the kids), and it ensures raised voices, sarcasm, and verbal abuse stays in check. If you feel your tolerance level reaching its limit, take a break -- and walk away. Just make sure you let your partner know you need time (don't just leave the room), and then make sure you come back and rejoin the conversation within 24 hours.<br/><br/><strong>Your Goal is Not to Win, It's Compromise</strong><br/>The immature strategy of an argument is to win. The mature strategy is to work to make sure both partners are victorious. In arguments where there's a winner, it leaves behind a sticky residue on the relationship, which will guarantee hard feelings the next time conflict arises. A few techniques to ensure a unanimous win-win situation, is to brainstorm solutions, make a pro/con list, or pull a third party (counselor) into the mix if you really find yourselves at a wall.<br/><br/><strong>Stay On Topic</strong><br/>Taking one problem on at a time is a good rule of thumb when dealing with conflict. A lot of partners will bring up various other upsets/past events, in order to shed some of the heat from themselves, but it will only confuse matters worse. It's difficult to solve a problem when different topics are being introduced. With this said, there's one caveat. Sometimes an argument about coming home late or not doing chores underlies an even bigger problem, such as fear a partner is cheating, etc. If you sense there's more to the issue than what appears, take the time to question your partner.<br/><br/><strong>Ask Questions<br/></strong>This strategy is quite simple. If you don't understand what your partner is trying to say, ask more about it. Use the advice above to help formulate appropriate questions. You never want to insult or insinuate your partner is a poor communicator ("You never make any sense, what are you trying to say?" "Is it that time of the month again?"). Sometimes by asking them to clarify the problem, you are not only helping yourself understand their feelings, but you're helping discover any hidden instigators of the problem (lack of time spent together, etc.). ENDING ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPStag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135682010-10-06T12:52:45.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p><font size="3">Most of us find ourselves in some type of relationship pattern, good or bad. Sometimes, however, ending a relationship we know we need to get out of seems close to impossible. Check out these warning signs that you may need outside help, or an intervention of sorts, to get out and stay out – once and for all:</font></p>
<p><font size="3">1. You leave your partner repeatedly, yet always return against your own best judgment and/or the advice of family and friends.…</font></p>
<p><font size="3">Most of us find ourselves in some type of relationship pattern, good or bad. Sometimes, however, ending a relationship we know we need to get out of seems close to impossible. Check out these warning signs that you may need outside help, or an intervention of sorts, to get out and stay out – once and for all:</font></p>
<p><font size="3">1. You leave your partner repeatedly, yet always return against your own best judgment and/or the advice of family and friends.<span id="more-9774"></span></font></p>
<p><font size="3">2. If you try to leave, you partner threatens you, your children, family, friends or pets.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">3. Your partner is violent with you, your children and has a tendency to destroy items when angry.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">4. Your partner pressures you sexually, or forces sex against your will.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">5. Your partner humiliates you or openly engages in affairs.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">6. Your partner controls your finances and freedom to the point that you have little to no independence or personal choice.</font></p>
<p><strong><font size="3">Points to keep in mind:</font></strong></p>
<p><font size="3">1. There’s no such thing as being abused “just a little.” Abuse is abuse is abuse!</font></p>
<p><font size="3">2. It’s only happened one or two times – studies and personal experience show, in almost all cases, abuse continues and most likely escalates over time. It doesn’t just go away or magically get better.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">3. Even in cases where no physical or sexual violence has been present, mental , verbal and emotional abuse can be just as detrimental, and is often more difficult to understand and heal.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">There is a way out of an abusive relationship, and most often we need extra support to get out and stay out.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">Resources:</font></p>
<p><font size="3">National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Resources by State @ <strong><a href="http://www.ncadv.org/" target="_blank"><font color="#166E9D">http://www.ncadv.org/</font></a></strong></font></p>
<p><font size="3">National Domestic Violence Hotline @ 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence.</font></p> 5 STEPS TOWARD FORGIVENESStag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135662010-10-06T12:45:21.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p><font size="3">Once we become aware we do have a choice in how we perceive and respond to situations beyond our control we can begin the active process of forgiving. Contrary to popular belief, to forgive in this sense does not mean to condone or accept, or to make okay – to forgive a person or situation simply means that we make an active choice in “forgiving” what someone “does” to us or how someone “makes” us feel. To forgive means we choose not to assume someone else’s “junk.” Some steps…</font></p>
<p><font size="3">Once we become aware we do have a choice in how we perceive and respond to situations beyond our control we can begin the active process of forgiving. Contrary to popular belief, to forgive in this sense does not mean to condone or accept, or to make okay – to forgive a person or situation simply means that we make an active choice in “forgiving” what someone “does” to us or how someone “makes” us feel. To forgive means we choose not to assume someone else’s “junk.” Some steps in the forgiving process are:</font></p>
<p><span id="more-458"></span></p>
<p><font size="3">1) Cultivating awareness that while you do not have control over someone else’s behaviors, thoughts and feelings, you DO have a choice in how you think and feel about the situation. Awareness brings balance and allows us different ways of perceiving a situation in ways that serve our highest good.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">2) Recognizing that as individuals we think, feel, and act based on our own choice. This means if someone treats you a certain way – it’s NOT your fault. Each of us makes a personal choice in terms of how we treat others (and how we are treated), and when someone treats you in an unkind or disregarding kind of way, this is the choice he or she has made independently of you.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">3) Taking a situation into consideration in which you have not been honored is a tough deal. It’s important once we realize we have been treated unkindly that we DESERVE to be treated with love and respect. However, it’s important to realize that treating others kindly becomes a reciprocal event and something that takes continuous effort to keep in balance.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">4) Know that you control how others are treating you. Cultivate clarity in relationships by determining your personal self worth and the boundaries needed to preserve it.</font></p>
<p><font size="3">5) Love yourself, value yourself and respect yourself. Others will naturally follow your lead.</font></p> HEALING FROM TRAUMAtag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135642010-10-06T12:43:24.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p><strong>Forgive</strong> and forget? We all have been faced with this challenge since the school yard. But what about the more serious long-lasting and long-reaching scars that linger into adulthood? Those who have experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse, or mental abuse may have different coping skills than others. They may even have had chemical changes in their brains due to severe trauma. As victims, or partners of victims of abuse, there are things we can do to…</p>
<p><strong>Forgive</strong> and forget? We all have been faced with this challenge since the school yard. But what about the more serious long-lasting and long-reaching scars that linger into adulthood? Those who have experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse, or mental abuse may have different coping skills than others. They may even have had chemical changes in their brains due to severe trauma. As victims, or partners of victims of abuse, there are things we can do to heal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Letting Go </strong>of the past is difficult for all of us, but people who suffered as children, before they could rationalize, before they could go off and be free-standing thinkers, had to rely on their abusers for survival. They were in a kind of prison that many of us cannot relate to. That is why it is so important to listen without judgment or interruption to friends, loved ones, or spouses who were abused without judgment or interruption. They just want their voice heard after years of being silenced.</p>
<p><span id="more-120"></span></p>
<p>I don’t think it is appropriate to tell someone who has been through such an ordeal to simply move on, drop it, or stop thinking about it. This only further invalidates that person, much the way the abusing family did. Many people who survived this kind of torture have post-traumatic stress syndrome, much like a war veteran or an earthquake victim. You may notice a startled response, or you may notice them being triggered by seemingly banal statements, smells, or other sense memory triggers. These people need our compassion — not lectures about religious faith or telling them to let go.</p>
<p>Of course, we all want to forgive and forget — it is part of the healing process — but survivors have their own timeline. Hopefully, they are working with professional therapists, reading self help books, and gaining affirmations.</p>
<p>These people need a safe place to vent, to rage, and to trust. It is always good if they follow a spiritual path, but they should not have to listen to that kind of ‘talk’ when they are in crisis. They need a good listener. Compassion is the key for those around us who have been marginalized or mistreated for years. Judgment is the opposite of compassion.</p> Is Your Partner Abusive? 5 red flags that signal an unhealthy bond...tag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135622010-10-06T12:40:17.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p>We are all creatures of habit, which alas means, many of us stay in a relationship even when it sucks or a niggling feeling inside tells us that something is definitely out of balance. We disregard warning signs because we so want to believe that issues will phase out - that the other person will change. Other times, we stay because conflict is hardwired in our upbringing and so, in a twisted way, dysfunction feels normal and familiar.<br></br><br></br>Whatever the grounds, it's important to note…</p>
<p>We are all creatures of habit, which alas means, many of us stay in a relationship even when it sucks or a niggling feeling inside tells us that something is definitely out of balance. We disregard warning signs because we so want to believe that issues will phase out - that the other person will change. Other times, we stay because conflict is hardwired in our upbringing and so, in a twisted way, dysfunction feels normal and familiar.<br/><br/>Whatever the grounds, it's important to note that warning signs don't necessarily mean that the relationship is on its way to kaput. "A warning sign is exactly that, a warning," says Dr. Noelle Nelson, author of <i>Dangerous Relationships: How to Identify and Respond to the Seven Warning Signs of a Troubled Relationship</i>. "A label on a medicine bottle doesn't mean you will suffer the side effects, just as the presence of a warning sign in a relationship doesn't mean it will develop into a violent domestic relationship."</p>
<p></p>
<p>With that said however, <i>it is</i> important to pay attention to the red flags since awareness is what paves the way towards improvement. If your partner is not willing to change certain key behaviors, then at least you have the knowledge to move on.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Here are some warning signs to look out for:</p>
<p></p>
<p><b>Blame game <br/></b>Of course, it's natural and healthy to occasionally argue with your partner. Disagreements and opposing points of views can actually be a good thing. They add a fiery element to the relationship, and prompt you to look at things from a fresh perspective. What's not cool is if your partner forbids you from having your own opinion, always claiming that you're wrong. Ask yourself - can you agree to disagree?</p>
<p></p>
<p>Also, be wary if the supposed <i>love of your life</i> pushes your feelings aside and says things like, "I don't want to talk about this s*&t." If that's the case, you shouldn't be talking to them period! Nasty and sarcastic remarks are also reason for alarm. Your partner may claim they're <em>just joking</em> but they're simultaneously eroding your self-confidence. The remarks become more devastating as time goes by and then before you know it, you're in an emotional crisis, says Deborah A. Filler, a Toronto-based clinical therapist and non-denominational minister.</p>
<p></p>
<p><b>Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde<br/></b>If you're constantly walking on egg shells instead of fluffy clouds, it's time to note that a red flag is flapping wildly in the wind. Just because your partner found out that they owe $5000 in taxes this year doesn't mean they get to come home and criticize, demean and cut you to the quick. If your lover regularly exhibits sudden personality changes then also beware. It's not normal to be Mr. or Ms. Wonderful one day and Mr. or Miss Nasty the next. What's really going on? Is this conduct influenced by drinking or drugs? If so, then you definitely have a problem on your hands.</p>
<p></p>
<p><b>Green-eyed monster<br/></b>In a healthy relationship, the two of you chose to come together. You re-commit every day and you are free to come and go. You can be yourself. But if your significant other tries to control what you do, where you go and who you see, something is wrong. Your partner should not tell you which friends to have, what outfit to wear or whether you can wear cologne to dinner. And they should definitely not check up on you, make unfounded accusations or bombard you with questions about where you were and who you were with. If this is occurring, it's time to take a stand and address the obvious insecurity issues abounding.</p>
<p><b>Let's (not) get physical</b><br/>Probably the most brutal red flag is if your partner holds you down, pushes, shoves, slaps or hits you. No person shoud EVER be touched out of anger. If this is the case, you simply need to leave and get help. In that order. Love yourself enough to walk away. Then try and figure out how you got into the situation in the first place so that it never repeats itself.</p>
<p></p>
<p><b>Square pegs<br/></b>Basically, if you're upset more than you're happy, then something is awry. A relationship shouldn't constantly feel like hard work or like you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Perhaps you've been making excuses thus far regarding your partner's less than adequate behavior (read: co-dependency), but it's now time to listen to yourself. Tune in. Is your internal guidance system screaming at you to get out? Don't pretend not to know what is deep inside of you.<br/><br/>Most people find themselves in at least one bad situation in a lifetime. It's not what happens to you, it's how you handle it. If your partner displays any of these traits, try and speak to them first. If nothing changes, suggest counseling or assess whether or not you wish to remain in the relationship and take steps to better your life....</p> ENDING MENTAL ABUSEtag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135602010-10-06T12:35:44.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<div class="entry"><p><strong>Abusive</strong> partners are most often survivors of abuse themselves, and wreak havoc on the receiver(s) in mental, verbal, emotional and physical ways. Yet for many abuse survivors, mental abuse in relationships leaves the most lasting scars.</p>
<p><em>Mental Abuse Checklist:</em></p>
<p>1) Does your partner criticize or call you denigrating names like ugly, stupid or worthless?</p>
<p>2) Does your partner blame every argument or thing that goes wrong solely on…</p>
</div>
<div class="entry"><p><strong>Abusive</strong> partners are most often survivors of abuse themselves, and wreak havoc on the receiver(s) in mental, verbal, emotional and physical ways. Yet for many abuse survivors, mental abuse in relationships leaves the most lasting scars.</p>
<p><em>Mental Abuse Checklist:</em></p>
<p>1) Does your partner criticize or call you denigrating names like ugly, stupid or worthless?</p>
<p>2) Does your partner blame every argument or thing that goes wrong solely on you?<span id="more-9086"></span></p>
<p>3) Do you second guess your own thoughts and feelings in favor of those of your partner?</p>
<p>4) Does your partner deny or refuse to acknowledge your feelings?</p>
<p>5) Is your partner hot and cold – loving one minute, and critical or distant the next?</p>
<p>6) Do you live in daily fear of upsetting your partner, or making him or her angry with you for something you’ve done?</p>
<p>7) Does your partner threaten, intimidate, isolate or control you?</p>
<p>If you have answered yes to any of the preceding questions, you are experiencing a form of mental abuse in your relationship, and contrary to what you may think and believe, you have done nothing to warrant being treated this way. You deserve respect and love.</p>
<p>Low self-worth and self-limiting beliefs are at the core of mental abuse in relationships, and are something that can be healed over time, though recovery is a gradual process. With abusive relationships, both the sender and receiver must change to stop the cycle; however, an individual can only truly change if they’re willing to make the change for themselves.</p>
<p>By allowing yourself to be abused, you are enabling your abuser, and if you are the one doing the abusing, continuing the behavior is accepting it and telling yourself that you are content with abusing a person who should be receiving your love and respect instead. Mental abuse over long term periods of time can cause psychological breakdowns, as hurt after hurt builds up and washes away all traces of the person’s individuality. Should you be in such a situation, it is imperative that you seek outside help.</p>
<p>(If, as you worked through the checklist, you personally identified as somebody exhibiting these behaviors to your partner, I strongly encourage you to seek help as soon as possible and confide in family, friends, your pastor, or a local counselor for help in healing the root causes for the damaging behavior.)</p>
</div> 5 SIGNS HE'S NOT THE ONEtag:thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com,2010-10-06:3378072:Topic:135582010-10-06T12:32:25.000ZLucinda F. Boydhttp://thestreetsdontloveyouback.ning.com/profile/LucindaBoyd
<p>It’s a tough realization, gals, when the man you thought was the One turns out to be a zero. I’ve been there, and completely understand how difficult it can be. As a former dating veteran, I want to give you the insight you need to move on if you’re with the guy who’s not the “One.”</p>
<p>The first question I’d ask was, “What constitutes a deal breaker?” That’s always going to be a personal preference, but some signs can’t be ignored. Aside from obvious things like abuse (be it emotional,…</p>
<p>It’s a tough realization, gals, when the man you thought was the One turns out to be a zero. I’ve been there, and completely understand how difficult it can be. As a former dating veteran, I want to give you the insight you need to move on if you’re with the guy who’s not the “One.”</p>
<p>The first question I’d ask was, “What constitutes a deal breaker?” That’s always going to be a personal preference, but some signs can’t be ignored. Aside from obvious things like abuse (be it emotional, mental, spiritual or physical) which is not acceptable now or ever, here are five signs that you need to get out of Dodge.<span id="more-12317"></span></p>
<p><strong>1. You can’t trust him.</strong> Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it, there is no relationship to be had. The concept of trust permeates every facet of any partnership with two people, most significantly in romantic ones.</p>
<p>Trust can cover many types of behavior, including doing what he says he’s going to do, keeping promises, showing up, and following through. These are all important actions in the dating dynamic. In a galaxy far away, I dated a guy who was always shifty and vague when we made plans. This made me not trust him, and as it later turned out, he was validating my fears with his infidelity. In a word… <em>next!</em></p>
<p><strong>2.</strong> <strong>He brings out the worst in you.</strong> Any man who seems to thrive on conflict or discord within your relationship is bad news. If he’s anything less than compassionate and supportive, chances are he’s not into the relationship for anything other than drama. The point of a romantic relationship is to love, support and nurture each other. (Contrary to what reality shows might tell you, they’re not about drama, hurt feelings, conspiracy plots, or psychologist bills.)</p>
<p>Life is too short to deny yourself the love and support you deserve. Again, if this is happening, move on!</p>
<p><strong>3.</strong> <strong>You have no shared interests outside the bedroom.</strong> Ah yes, the thrill of exploring the sexual landscape in a new relationship is exciting and fun, but it’s important to cultivate interests outside of sex. If there are no shared interests, that could be telling. Without common interests and goals, the relationship will become one-dimensional (which leads to “stifling,” which leads to “it’s over”). If he’s only interested in the physical part of your relationship, you have to look at that closely. Chances are that you’re limiting your own range of experiences, and you can do so much better, girlfriend.</p>
<p><strong>4. You have to make excuses for his behavior</strong><strong>.</strong> If he’s saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable, he’s definitely telling you something about himself and his character. Different people have different ideals and comfort levels; one person’s “acceptable” can be another’s “unacceptable.” If your man is behaving in ways you find unacceptable and putting you in an uncomfy place, look at that. As Grandma Ellie used to say, “Actions tell the tale” – and, honey, they do.</p>
<p>What are his actions telling you? If they’re anything less than supportive, ethical, fair and fabulous, move on!</p>
<p><strong>5.</strong> <strong>He’s not available.</strong> Do you notice that personal ads never advertise: “Cold, unfeeling bastard seeking doormat girlfriend to annoy?” They don’t, because everyone who says they’re out to find a relationship is out to have a relationship, right? Not necessarily, my fair sisters. Sometimes the unavailable come dressed up as available, reasonable, sane men and try to drive us insane with their inconsistencies. Don’t let it happen to you. Again, listen to the words he’s saying and cross reference with what he’s doing. Is he pining for you all day only to avoid your calls that evening? If the actions and words are out of whack, you have to take a good, honest look. Does he say he’s ready for a relationship only to do and say things that alienate you?</p>
<p>Be fearless! Know that if “he” isn’t the One, the Universe will provide. Trust and believe: you’re hearing this from a gal who’s been there. I know from my own experience that letting go of the game-playing boys-disguised-as-men freed my time, and I found the One. I wish you the same happiness and success!!</p>