5 SIGNS HE'S NOT THE ONE

[Lucinda F. Boyd]

It’s a tough realization, gals, when the man you thought was the One turns out to be a zero. I’ve been there, and completely understand how difficult it can be. As a former dating veteran, I want to give you the insight you need to move on if you’re with the guy who’s not the “One.”

The first question I’d ask was, “What constitutes a deal breaker?” That’s always going to be a personal preference, but some signs can’t be ignored. Aside from obvious things like abuse (be it emotional, mental, spiritual or physical) which is not acceptable now or ever, here are five signs that you need to get out of Dodge.

1. You can’t trust him. Trust is the cornerstone of any relationship, and without it, there is no relationship to be had. The concept of trust permeates every facet of any partnership with two people, most significantly in romantic ones.

Trust can cover many types of behavior, including doing what he says he’s going to do, keeping promises, showing up, and following through. These are all important actions in the dating dynamic. In a galaxy far away, I dated a guy who was always shifty and vague when we made plans. This made me not trust him, and as it later turned out, he was validating my fears with his infidelity. In a word… next!

2. He brings out the worst in you. Any man who seems to thrive on conflict or discord within your relationship is bad news. If he’s anything less than compassionate and supportive, chances are he’s not into the relationship for anything other than drama. The point of a romantic relationship is to love, support and nurture each other. (Contrary to what reality shows might tell you, they’re not about drama, hurt feelings, conspiracy plots, or psychologist bills.)

Life is too short to deny yourself the love and support you deserve.  Again, if this is happening, move on!

3. You have no shared interests outside the bedroom. Ah yes, the thrill of exploring the sexual landscape in a new relationship is exciting and fun, but it’s important to cultivate interests outside of sex.  If there are no shared interests, that could be telling. Without common interests and goals, the relationship will become one-dimensional (which leads to “stifling,” which leads to “it’s over”). If he’s only interested in the physical part of your relationship, you have to look at that closely. Chances are that you’re limiting your own range of experiences, and you can do so much better, girlfriend.

4. You have to make excuses for his behavior. If he’s saying or doing things that make you uncomfortable, he’s definitely telling you something about himself and his character. Different people have different ideals and comfort levels; one person’s “acceptable” can be another’s “unacceptable.” If your man is behaving in ways you find unacceptable and putting you in an uncomfy place, look at that. As Grandma Ellie used to say, “Actions tell the tale” – and, honey, they do.

What are his actions telling you?  If they’re anything less than supportive, ethical, fair and fabulous, move on!

5. He’s not available. Do you notice that personal ads never advertise: “Cold, unfeeling bastard seeking doormat girlfriend to annoy?”  They don’t, because everyone who says they’re out to find a relationship is out to have a relationship, right? Not necessarily, my fair sisters. Sometimes the unavailable come dressed up as available, reasonable, sane men and try to drive us insane with their inconsistencies. Don’t let it happen to you. Again, listen to the words he’s saying and cross reference with what he’s doing. Is he pining for you all day only to avoid your calls that evening? If the actions and words are out of whack, you have to take a good, honest look. Does he say he’s ready for a relationship only to do and say things that alienate you?

Be fearless! Know that if “he” isn’t the One, the Universe will provide. Trust and believe: you’re hearing this from a gal who’s been there. I know from my own experience that letting go of the game-playing boys-disguised-as-men freed my time, and I found the One. I wish you the same happiness and success!!